I picked up this little gem the other day at the beauty parlour:
Upon tearing it open with trembling fingers, I discovered this has answered the prayers of at least half the world’s population (about 3,437,950,000 ladies at my count, including those just born, those who play for the hockey team, those with bits like Jamie Lee Curtis, nuns, and those who quite frankly have no vagina at all lah, just like the girl in First Touch).
I discovered that women have a long list of unspecified complaints about the quality of their sexual relationship, and that you can never have too many exclamation points in a brochure if you want to get your point home. With mounting horror I read on. Did you know that psychological, physical and emotional problems beset many women, and that a busy lifestyle all contributes to this ennui in the boudoir? It gets worse: “couples do not make the effort to create an intimate, sexually arousing environment in which to pursue greater sexual fulfilment.”
Don’t grab that phone. Put it down. The geniuses at Her Pleasure have found an easy solution. And what is more, it tastes like chewy. This highly ‘sort-after product’ is a pleasantly fragranced gel with a ‘Creme de Mint taste’, and is made of all natural ingredients.
Yes but how do I use it Boo, is your refrain. Do I brush it into my fangs in the morning or slough it in the armpits? Do I just insert it rectally and hope for the best?
Apply a liberal amount to your finger or your partner’s finger and apply directly to the desired area, working the gel into the mucous membrane.
Aha! The mucous membrane of the desired area! Glad we sorted that one out.
And what to expect after this liberal application? Will my deadbeat fella get off the dole and get a real job? Will my lazy wife stop naggin’ and bitchin’ all day? Will I grow a pearlescent white horn like a unicorn and long blonde hair I can plait and braid? With Her Pleasure, the sky’s the limit:
Upon application you will feel a cool sensation, this product can be used again as many times as desired.
Her Pleasure is not intended to diagnose, cure, treat or prevent any disease or medical condition. It is advised you do not use the product if you are pregnant, breast-feeding or have any anorexic disorders.
The final point on the treasure trove that is the Her Pleasure brochure is directed squarely at imposters. Did you know that many people have tried to duplicate this secret formula? And that none have succeeded in replicating its fine quality and careful balancing of ingredients? I believe this is a warning to all other mad scientists of the pleasure gel market and should consider themselves forearmed with this knowledge.
The Internet is frustratingly vague on information about Her Pleasure and has come up with nought on the topic. Could I find it in any store on the high street? Does it double as a hair gel? Can I use it to top up my MYKI? With 3.5 billion human beings baying for its existence, it’s surely an oversight that Her Pleasure doesn’t yet have a Facebook page.
As any fule kno, if a lady feels she lacks in the downstairs department, all she needs is a lover who gives a shit. And that is something money cannot buy. On that note, I give you an overlong story by Harold Brodkey (reproduced on This Recording), which I can’t figure out is genius or quite literally, a massive wank.