Sold in Bottles

When it comes to writing advertising slogans, I have no shame. None whatsoever. I squeeze them out like the Werribee Sewerage Plant – fast, furious and unrelenting.

Most of my cheesiest contributions don’t make it to the final cut – despite my best efforts (my time-honoured technique involves providing the client with three options: one inspired and creative, the next as naff as a Good Guys commercial and the third dull as shit. You can imagine the version most clients plump for). In my defence the best advertising has to be memorable – and that means good or bad. Which is why ‘Good Guys’ ads get made. And so we continue.

In moments of desperation I comb the Internet for inspiration, and come up with homilies, quotes, haiku and Oprah-isms galore. I also do my best to slip in Blackadder quotes, snippets from Flying High, lyrics from The Who and whatever else tickles my fancy – here’s a few (your estimation of me may slip down a notch after reading):

-A mighty spree
A Mighty Wind

-Whose home will win the throne?
Iron Chef. Rhetorical qus are awesome

-Time out for fun
Devo lyric

-Superfantastic
Why not invent a new word?

-The sun never sets on (company name)
Anything that hints at Lord B-P is good

-Get going from the get-go
LAME. But so bad it becomes retro, which then becomes ace

-This one’s going straight to the pool room
The Castle

-Swept up by Broome
I love punning

-2B or not 2B, that is the question
Shakespeare, for Stage 2B of a property development

-Yes you can!
Written on Obama’s inauguration day. Property, again

-Release the hounds!
C. Montgomery Burns. Exclamation marks: also reliable


I found this Slogan Generator which not only provided a bit of a titter but may also be a useful tool in the aforementioned moments of desperation. I also discovered the following list of old Coke slogans. Old timey advertising copy tickles me considerably, as it was written in the days when people needed to be told specifically what they were going to buy, and before people were too cynical about anything much.

I would have thought they’d have a time on their hands trying to sell this foul product (what – equivalent of TEN teaspoons of sugar in every can! TEN! Using that high-fructose corn syrup that’s like Essence of Obesity) but Lo, 100 years later it is the most popular drink of all time. Like all revolting products, Coke must be sampled every now and again to remind one of its inherently repulsive properties. I like to make a Coke Spider once a year in the largest glass I can find – it makes me so ill I go off the idea for at least another 12 months.

I have compiled a list of my favourites – with own thoughts in italics:

THE THIRST ANGLE:
-It satisfies thirst
Because nothing slakes dehydration like 10 teaspoons of sugar

-Thirst knows no season

-Thirst can’t be denied

-Coke follows thirst everywhere

Like a Facebook stalker, like a vulture after a dying prairie dog, like a terminal disease – this one creeps me out

-Thirst and taste for Coca-Cola are the same thing (1926)

-The best friend thirst ever had

-Bring in your thirst and go away without it (1940)
This is my all-time favourite. All slogans should resemble this one.

PATRIOTIC:
-Whenever you hear “Have a Coke,” you hear the voice of America
Nothing soothes the Yank like trumpeting the sweet sweet name of their own country

APPEAL TO THE LADIES:
-A chore’s best friend
 (1963)

-The favorite drink for ladies when thirsty, weary, and despondent

-For headache and exhaustion, drink Coca-Cola

And wash down with some opium-laced cough syrup and Thalidomide!

-The Great National Temperance
For the bible-bashers

HEATH & FITNESS:
-Coca-Cola is a delightful, palatable, healthful beverage 
(1904)

-Pure sunlight

-Dependable as sunrise (1953)

-A perfect blend of pure products from nature

It’s basically organic!

-Sparkling – harmless as water, and crisp as frost (1908)
If water was a by-product of a nuclear facility

-Coca-Cola is full of vim, vigor and go – is a snappy drink


FOR FOOD SNOBS:
-Good food and Coca-Cola just naturally go together (1951)
Foie gras…grain-fed beef…turtle soup…Coke…

-It will satisfy you

LITERAL:

-Whenever you see an arrow think of Coca-Cola

Whenever I see fat children I know what I think of

-Ask for it by its full name – then you will get the genuine

-The only thing like Coca-Cola is Coca-Cola itself

Like mentioning America, throw in a Roosevelt reference and you have a winner

-Wherever you are, whatever you do, wherever you may be,
when you think refreshment, think ice-cold Coca-Cola


The most effective Coke slogans I reckon are their earliest. We can all learn from copywriting like this. Here’s one from the Edwardian era – straightforward, unpretentious and undeniable:

Sold in Bottles

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4 thoughts on “Sold in Bottles

  1. I remember my dad telling me that when he was a boy in England one of his mates would save his pocket money to buy two bottles of coke. He’d the drink both in rapid succession and be as high as a kite for some time. I’ve always heard rumours that ye olde coke used to have cocaine in it. Wonder if there is any truth to that…?

  2. And here is my comment that BBBG couldn't find. Please go to the link I have so kindly provided. And please don't lose my comment again!And have a Squirt! About the only soft drink I could get addicted to.And avoid saoft drinks while in India, eh?

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