Yet we aspire to that Miss Universe/Warnie/Neighbours ideal, of endless fun in the sun, sparkling locks and white polo shirts with a fake insignia. What is it with us Aussies? Do we not realise there’s a world of people out there far more attractive than we?
If you ask any Australian who the best looking people in the world are, they’ll always shout: “The Swedes! Don’t forget the Swedes!” You’ll then hear a long rant about the gloriousness of their near-naked women, their enlightened healthcare system and education, not to forget their abundant saunas, blond furniture and opportunities for group sex. If it’s not the Swedes, then it’s the Finns, the Danes or the Norwegians, which are usually put forward as the nationality most likely to cop a feel from an Aussie.
To be honest, impossibly tall, blonde, tanned people leave me cold. And – dare I say it – frighten me a little. To elevate the Swedes as better looking than us all is the obvious answer. So I’ve compiled my own list, which I can’t make up my mind is incredibly PC or incredibly offensive. Enjoy.
10. Indian: This has nothing to do with the fact that every Indian person I meet thinks I am gorgeous, and will tell me about it repeatedly. It all starts with the hawk-like nose, then moves on to the profuse tresses of blue-black hair, then the dusky skin. As for the paler-skinned Indians, some will still have blazing dark eyes and dark lips. Rrraow.
As for the physique – the women are like little hourglasses, with big shoulders and boobs. In fact I thought, ‘at last, I’ve found a place they all look like me, except shorter and better looking!’ And the men are rangy. Many of them have long hair. Some are beturbanned. I don’t need to say any more.
9. Malaysian: OK, so this covers a number of different races, but there has been enough waves of migrants sweeping throughout the centuries, to make a delicious rendang of velvety eyes, perfect red/brown skin and black hair.
I’ve been there countless times and have had a good chance to let my lecherous glance sweep over a few specimens. In Singapore I had the most BEE-YOOTIFUL student called Fadly, who would present a show on the Malay channel over there. This man was so picturesque that every time he’d walk past the office, all my workmates would down tools to reflect upon his otherworldly beauty. Harps would play, fireflies would dance and four-leafed clovers would burst into bloom in his wake. I gave him all A’s. As any red-blooded female would.
8. Malian: All the tribes over there are ridiculously handsome, but I’ll put in a special vote for the Tuareg, who have dark honey-coloured skins and GREY EYES. Imagine coming across this in the middle of the desert. Then imagine him wrapped up in a towering indigo-blue headscarf, so only a pair of burning, weathered eyes are showing. Then a billowing white boubou, silver jewellery and a rifle, a machete or even a bandolier. SO. FABULOUS.
7. Lebanese: The most amusing thing about the War on Terror is the alerts for ‘men of Middle-Eastern appearance.’ This always makes me think “Oooh – where – is he single?” I include them for the big-nose-and-lustrous-hair factor, two traits high on my list of admirable features (I distrust people with too-small noses). There are many men and women ‘of Middle-Eastern appearance’ in my ‘burb, and they all make me gnash my teeth with envy.
6. Dutch: I suppose I should include some uber-whiteys here. I can tolerate the Dutch, because they amuse me. All those dairy products, bread, cream sauces and comics must be agreeing with them. And they come from a different, more northern race than my plain Anglo-Celtic one, which means cheekbones, long legs and fair eyebrows, which can be quite attractive.
5. Chinese: I’m not a huge fan of tiny little people (for fear of trampling them accidentally), but when I finally got to the People’s Republic, I found they come in all shapes and sizes, all of them appealing to the eye. The ruddy cheeks of the tribes in Yunnan Province! The porcelain-skin of Shanghai matriarchs! The swarthy, longhaired gents in suits in Beijing! Phooey to Tiger Leaping Gorge, Shangri-La and other touristy shite – visitors should prepare to feast their eyes upon the local eye candy.
4. Japanese: Although my friend Keiko has warned me off all Japanese men, I’d like to put in a vote here for Junichiro Koizumi and Chairman Kaga. I think any Japanese man with long-ish hair should be placed upon a pedestal and worshipped accordingly. Japanese women are not unpretty as well. I think it’s the cheekbones-and-almond-eyes factor, as well as the sweeping kimono and dramatic obi.
3. New Zealand: I’m not thinking of the amusingly-accented people from the same gene pool as myself, I’m thinking of the Maori (last time I checked, not a nationality). Large, barrel-chested people with facial tattoos make me want to hit myself repeatedly over the head with a mallet like the wolf in a Tex Avery cartoon. And again, we return to the honey-brown skin and dark tresses, thuck icksint and proud posture.
2. Ghanaian: As well as the beautiful West African skin, the Ghanaians have heart-shaped faces and the most elegantly-shaped heads on the continent. Combine this with a deep red wax-print toga, huge gold jewellery and a slow stroll and it’s thumbs up all round. In fact I’ve run out of thumbs! Don’t get me started on the accent. Divine.
1. Senegal: OK I have a bit of a sad fixation with this part of the world, but every single person in this country is good looking, regardless of age, race or severity of handicap. I say that with no exaggeration. They are truly gods.
The most obvious thing is the skin. You know when you put a 70% Lindt block over a pan of gently simmering water? Then, as you stir it into glossy swirls, you wish you could become tiny like Alice and just dive straight in, with your slavering jaws wide open? Well Senegal is something is like that.
Not only do they have spectacular skin, they are all about 7 feet tall. Someone called me a ‘midget cheese’ when I was there (but my French is dodgy, so they could have been saying ‘get out of my way you fat colonial overlord’ for all I know).
They dress in bright, unbelievable fashions, including pink overalls, bonnets and t-shirts with ‘nobody knows I’m a lesbian’ written on them (the men) and towering starched headscarves, giant decorated sleeves like pyramids and petticoats made of string bags (the women). Some even dye their gums blue with indigo! They all get away with it.
And the hair! It’s stunning! Why is it that every black woman I’ve ever known complains bitterly about her hair? It’s like this lifelong obsession. WHY LADIES. You can do anything with the African hair. You can tie it in long braids, or put it in cornrows. You can make it look like a sunburst. You can make spirals in your own scalp. You can even straighten it then coiff it up, so it looks like a breaking wave. I LONG to have hair like a breaking wave.
However, most Senegalese men keep their hair cropped short and close to the scalp, which gives me tingles just thinking about it. With a richly embroidered boubou, bright yellow babouche and silver bangles, our number one spunkiest nationality wins hands down.
I think this post says less about good-looking people, and more about what a colossal perve I have become in my spinsterhood, non?