It is no secret that I adore delectable morsels such as Gregory Peck, Marcello Mastroianni, James Mason, Jack Palance (mostly dead, it shall be noted), Omar Sharif, Richard E. Grant, Naveen Andrews, Harvey Keitel, the entire Sikh population, Xanana Gusmao and of course Clooney. It is also no secret that in the idealised world of Boo, the perfect man looks and acts like a cross between Brian Blessed, Oliver Reed and the ‘Keep on Truckin’ guy.
But what about some of the ones who are quietly noted by my roving eye? The ones I’d really rather not talk about? I declare Thursday the day of confession.
This post shall also be known as: People for whom you secretly have the Horn, and yet are too embarrassed to admit, ever:
1. BRENDAN FRASER
Come on, now. Do admit. We’ve all seen The Mummy (it’s only on telly every single week), and do we not love his trousers in that show. And despite his attempts at ‘serious’ performance in The Quiet A-merikan, he’s just a big adorable lump, yes? Like a giant rum baba. Ever since I saw his doe-eyed performance in Blast from the Past, with him locked up in a basement with Christopher Walken and Sissy Spacek, well I had to admit he has a sense of humour, which goes a long way. And he’s a Canuck – just imagine him in the Mounties uniform and you’ll catch my drift.
2. BERNARD FANNING
It’s the hairy man thing, I can’t help it. The more beardy and long-haired the better. And I find his lyrics wonderfully sad and romantic – every teenage girl’s dream. But every time he opens his mouth in public holding forth on reconciliation or whathaveyou – jeeezus. Would someone put a sock in him already. He’s becoming the Geldof of the south. Bernard – if you only take the sock out to sing, you can park your shoes under my bed any day.
3. SALMAN RUSHDIE
And ladies, he’s back on the market. Recently knighted! Ickle bald head! That sneering expression, and those vulpine features! The fatwah thing is a major bummer, but we’ll overlook it. The man’s smarts are all he’ll ever need. And while we’re speaking about my favourite authors, I’ll throw in V.S. NAIPAUL. I don’t even know what the bloke looks like, but his glorious prose, wry observations and divine wit have knicker-vaporising properties.
4. DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, he’s just a cream puff these days. Yet, as we have previously discussed, he is not yet of voting age, and that is all wrong. Pedophilia is not okay, mmmkay?
5. WILL SMITH
Remember those scraggers in your year 7 class who would rave on about Prince at lunchtime: ‘Ohmigord, that man is just…SEX ON LEGS.’ Well despite his obvious arrogance, Ken doll hairline and clearly lunatic musical aspirations, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air gets the year 7 seal of approval. Could it be something to do with the fact that his eyes are always half-closed? I can’t explain it and don’t want to. Cope.
6. JON ENGLISH
Yep, this is a crush that goes way way back to my childhood. His dark countenance is dreamy, don’t argue with me.
Back in the golden years of the ‘80s, we went en famille to see a jolly old performance of the Pirates of Penzance, and scored seats in the front row. I think I got a bit over-excited and may have been prancing up and down the row or something. My mother grabbed my arm and hissed ‘Look! He’s pointing at you’. And she was right. While all the other thesps were making a big, actorly pose at the end of ‘A Pirate’s Life For Me’, Jon English was winking, waving and making a fuss of the clearly excited Boo. We all swooned and made for our smelling salts.
Then he was on ‘All Together Now’ so we’ll just move quickly onto the next one.
7. THE BLOKE FROM INSPECTOR REX
Is Kommissar Rex not the daggiest show on telly? A crime-fighting dog! Slapstick humour and PG-rated sexual tension! Jokes about ham rolls! And the high-waisted pants, on everyone. Oy. But this bloke looks just a little bit like the Austrian version of Paul McGann, if you get my drift. And he’s so cute.
8. PAUL MAC
Another smarmy Aussie musician. While everyone’s tying themselves up in knots over whatever foolishness Daniel Johns has spouted lately, my eye is drawn to the swarthy man on the keyboards with the cheery grin and chinstrap beard. Let’s just not talk about the mullet, OK? I’m sure his hair is just at that in-between stage.
9. DANIEL KITSON
Is he not the most ridiculous specimen of manhood. Look at the face on him! And I think his boobs are even bigger than mine. I went to his show this year and found him so sweet and delightful. He talked about going to see the fireworks as a child, and how much he loves his parents. And he has a stutter! The more tired he got, the more he would struggle with it. Then he would wink and say ‘they love that, the ladies. I’m going to get so much sex tonight’. And you know what, I reckon he was right.
10. MATTHEW Mc CONAUGHEY
This is wrong on all the levels of wrong. Not only is he blond and hairless (I suspect he may even wax his chest), but he’s often photographed conspicuously working out. Urgh! But he has a delightful Texan drawl and slow grin, and ever since I heard about the incident of the bongo drums I declared him mine, all mine. The man is completely funny. He lives in a caravan park and dances wildly with bogan chicks in Queensland. There are hilarious rumours about him and Lance Armstrong. What’s not to love? I’d pay to see him fold his laundry.
I think that the young people call this a ‘ten things’ thingo a meme, yes? I don’t know what the hell that is, but I’m doing one. I think I am supposed to invite all my readers to do the same, then spurt something insane like kthxbye lol roflmao. Woot!