Top ten wrongest crushes: A photo essay of Shame

It is no secret that I adore delectable morsels such as Gregory Peck, Marcello Mastroianni, James Mason, Jack Palance (mostly dead, it shall be noted), Omar Sharif, Richard E. Grant, Naveen Andrews, Harvey Keitel, the entire Sikh population, Xanana Gusmao and of course Clooney. It is also no secret that in the idealised world of Boo, the perfect man looks and acts like a cross between Brian Blessed, Oliver Reed and the ‘Keep on Truckin’ guy.

But what about some of the ones who are quietly noted by my roving eye? The ones I’d really rather not talk about? I declare Thursday the day of confession.

This post shall also be known as: People for whom you secretly have the Horn, and yet are too embarrassed to admit, ever:

Come on, now. Do admit. We’ve all seen The Mummy (it’s only on telly every single week), and do we not love his trousers in that show. And despite his attempts at ‘serious’ performance in The Quiet A-merikan, he’s just a big adorable lump, yes? Like a giant rum baba. Ever since I saw his doe-eyed performance in Blast from the Past, with him locked up in a basement with Christopher Walken and Sissy Spacek, well I had to admit he has a sense of humour, which goes a long way. And he’s a Canuck – just imagine him in the Mounties uniform and you’ll catch my drift.

It’s the hairy man thing, I can’t help it. The more beardy and long-haired the better. And I find his lyrics wonderfully sad and romantic – every teenage girl’s dream. But every time he opens his mouth in public holding forth on reconciliation or whathaveyou – jeeezus. Would someone put a sock in him already. He’s becoming the Geldof of the south. Bernard – if you only take the sock out to sing, you can park your shoes under my bed any day.

And ladies, he’s back on the market. Recently knighted! Ickle bald head! That sneering expression, and those vulpine features! The fatwah thing is a major bummer, but we’ll overlook it. The man’s smarts are all he’ll ever need. And while we’re speaking about my favourite authors, I’ll throw in V.S. NAIPAUL. I don’t even know what the bloke looks like, but his glorious prose, wry observations and divine wit have knicker-vaporising properties.

Oh, he’s just a cream puff these days. Yet, as we have previously discussed, he is not yet of voting age, and that is all wrong. Pedophilia is not okay, mmmkay?

Remember those scraggers in your year 7 class who would rave on about Prince at lunchtime: ‘Ohmigord, that man is just…SEX ON LEGS.’ Well despite his obvious arrogance, Ken doll hairline and clearly lunatic musical aspirations, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air gets the year 7 seal of approval. Could it be something to do with the fact that his eyes are always half-closed? I can’t explain it and don’t want to. Cope.

Yep, this is a crush that goes way way back to my childhood. His dark countenance is dreamy, don’t argue with me.
Back in the golden years of the ‘80s, we went en famille to see a jolly old performance of the Pirates of Penzance, and scored seats in the front row. I think I got a bit over-excited and may have been prancing up and down the row or something. My mother grabbed my arm and hissed ‘Look! He’s pointing at you’. And she was right. While all the other thesps were making a big, actorly pose at the end of ‘A Pirate’s Life For Me’, Jon English was winking, waving and making a fuss of the clearly excited Boo. We all swooned and made for our smelling salts.

Then he was on ‘All Together Now’ so we’ll just move quickly onto the next one.

Is Kommissar Rex not the daggiest show on telly? A crime-fighting dog! Slapstick humour and PG-rated sexual tension! Jokes about ham rolls! And the high-waisted pants, on everyone. Oy. But this bloke looks just a little bit like the Austrian version of Paul McGann, if you get my drift. And he’s so cute.

Another smarmy Aussie musician. While everyone’s tying themselves up in knots over whatever foolishness Daniel Johns has spouted lately, my eye is drawn to the swarthy man on the keyboards with the cheery grin and chinstrap beard. Let’s just not talk about the mullet, OK? I’m sure his hair is just at that in-between stage.

Is he not the most ridiculous specimen of manhood. Look at the face on him! And I think his boobs are even bigger than mine. I went to his show this year and found him so sweet and delightful. He talked about going to see the fireworks as a child, and how much he loves his parents. And he has a stutter! The more tired he got, the more he would struggle with it. Then he would wink and say ‘they love that, the ladies. I’m going to get so much sex tonight’. And you know what, I reckon he was right.

This is wrong on all the levels of wrong. Not only is he blond and hairless (I suspect he may even wax his chest), but he’s often photographed conspicuously working out. Urgh! But he has a delightful Texan drawl and slow grin, and ever since I heard about the incident of the bongo drums I declared him mine, all mine. The man is completely funny. He lives in a caravan park and dances wildly with bogan chicks in Queensland. There are hilarious rumours about him and Lance Armstrong. What’s not to love? I’d pay to see him fold his laundry.

I think that the young people call this a ‘ten things’ thingo a meme, yes? I don’t know what the hell that is, but I’m doing one. I think I am supposed to invite all my readers to do the same, then spurt something insane like kthxbye lol roflmao. Woot!

Go forth!!

24 thoughts on “Top ten wrongest crushes: A photo essay of Shame

  1. Have you seen Daniel Radcliffe in the second series of Extras? Now, whenever I see photos of him, I imagine him carrying around an unfurled condom. Eek!And I nearly choked on my tea when I read ‘Salman Rushdie’. He has man boobs! Very wrong indeed.My wrong crushes would include Andy Warhol, Tom Petty, Rick Mayall and Sylvester Stallone.God help me.

  2. PomG: it is all coming out, which is goood. There’s some excelently wrong specimens in yours, although Rik was also on my initial (very long) list.

  3. Am shocked and appalled, particularly regarding Bernard Fanning (ugh), Salman R (emotional abuser of women, no doubt about it), and Paul mac (double ugh).Anonymously (altho you will no doubt have an idea when you see the list) and in no particular order, my own wrongest top 10 for your consideration;-Danny bonaduce-david caruso-simon le bon-rove mcmanus-robbie williams-kiefer sutherland (does he count? no so wrong…)-mel gibson circa 1980-johnny knoxville-Josh Homme-jesse Hooper from Killing Heidi-Commander Will Riker…and another for good measure, Frank there! vomit away, if you dare.

  4. Not-so-Anon: GINGER ALERT GINGER GINGER RED ALERT!! So as you see, no-one may point the finger at this one as no-one is immune.Rove pre or post-Emmett? It is generaly assumed he underwent a bit of a makeover since then.Number One? Ha ha haaaa! Brilliant! With or without corset??

  5. The only problem I have with this is that I quite often and quite loudy coo over quite unappealing men on my blog. I make no secret of the fact that I fancy the unappealling and, often, extremely nerdy.Still, I have one that’s just a little bit wrong – though less so now than a few years ago…I rather fancy Oliver and James Phelps (that’s the Weasley twins to you!) – together, naturally.

  6. BBBJ, To start, I doubt you really want to know, but you can find a picture of Sir Naipaul at am a respectable married lady from a sexually conservative community, so I don’t notice such things, but if I did (bringing out my inner OJ Simpson,I guess),John Abraham, the Indian actor would be there, as would, Sant Jarnail Singh Khalsa Bhindranwale, especially the picture of him and his entourage striding across the karmana at the Golden Temple( Sean Connery, old, not young(I dislike bald men but, who knows why I find him appealing). Bob Marley, those beautiful hands, don’t overlook those. I could go on , but I’m sure I’ve already gotten myself into enough trouble already.

  7. I forgot, my neighbour, well, a few miles and several socio-economic classes away, Bill Gates. And Al Gore with that hideous beard.

  8. This is a cornucopia of cracking confessions…But I see no shame in the Colin Firth a la white shirt! Nor the Day-Lewis!! Or a Connery of all ages or John Abraham for that matter. Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride or as the daggy piano man version?Cracker on the other hand…Weasley twins eh? There’s a lot of shameful gingers coming up. I wouldn’t kick the book versions out of bed, but the film ones! Egad.Gates and Gore!! That’s more like it. When Nerds Attack!

  9. Yeah, Matthew would probably be one of my shameful ones. He’s a bit too ‘the man’ & yet somewhat appealing… esp with wild naked bongo playing thrown in. But paying to watch him fold his laundry? No way!!!!!! He can fold *mine* thank you very much, starting with my lacy g-strings…

  10. I come from a community even more conservative than the Sikhs. It is amasing we Jains haven’t ceased to exist because our parents didn’t know sex existed.You mean the entire MALE Sikh population, don’t you? When I was a girl, I used to love to watch Mai’s brothers especially Francois and fantasise that they would marry me. Sometimes I go to gurdwara with Mai because I like to look. For a respectable Jain woman that is a big confession.

  11. Boo, is it possible that you haven’t cottoned on that our mither has commented ‘anonymously’? Who else would ever confess to having the horn for Mandy Patinkin, Colin Firth in P&P and Orlando Bloom in LOTR?

  12. boo! my links don’t seem to work, and i’m a lazy cow. been doing a bit of catch up reading on your blog.hmmm. daniel radcliffe. i flinch from the accusation, yet i look at the pics on the sly from time to time…rik mayall – i was obsessed at one point, obsessed!also bob geldof – hate the man, love the hang-dog face.there are some scary ones here. salman is indeed a ‘vulpine’, beaky creature. we are in sync – i just wrote a ‘defence’ of his knighting.keep trucking.

  13. Right Boo, I have taken up your meme challenge. And what a shameful brain strain it has been, woe is me!My list includes a Frank, a Rupert and a Dwayne… Oh the pain of admitting to such crushes. It has been a very uncomfortable process. *hangs head in shame*

  14. My Majesty has always had a secret longing to mate with a low-down carrion-eating vulture. “Up-town bird,I’ve been livingin My royal world…”Josef Stalin is most definitely hot, but dead. And antiroyalist.But don’t tell any of My servants. And that’s an order!.I have also memed.SQUAWK!

  15. Lilly, a bold confession – I have a feeling that you and I would have something in common!Susanna! She lives and breathes!! Welcome back – I have much catching up to do I see.EB: I go toute suite – we at the Galloping Skirt commend you for your honesty.Your Maj! You honour me with your feathered presence. Your shameful secrets are safe with us.PC: bienvenue! There are no shameful lady crushes over there in Gay Paree?

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