The Exorcist

I had my house purified on the weekend.

It was incredibly hippyish, but excellent fun. How do you find an exorcist I hear you ask? Well I don’t know either. One of those friendofafriendofafriend arrangements, she arrived on Saturday arvo, neat and chic in jeans and a jumper. No cape, no cauldron, and definitely no lightning cracks when she walked in the door.

Merryl was rather a delight with a gorgeous clear, precise speaking voice I could imagine addressing n’er do wells and spirits to get thee hence. She also sensed the Vibes of Evil straightaway. Gesturing to her chest she felt the energy was not so much mental, but more emotional manipulation and anxiety. Right on sister!

Then I unloaded my woes in as few words as I could muster, ranging from dastardly housemates, to sex toys to the entire Landmark organisation (which I found has just bought the Melbourne college of Kinesiology, nothing suspicious there), to the incident of the toothbrush and more.

Merryl prepared her witchy ‘things’:
-compass
-candles for fire
-a feather for air
-a geode for earth
-Tibetan-looking hand-cymbals and a Japanese bell
-incense and a ‘smudge stick’ made of sage
-um…oh yes a big container of special potion made of hand-picked rosemary, lavender, oils and other magical odds & sods
Then she prayed to all sorts of gods, goddesses, spirits, archangels and mythical beings! My new housemate sat in on this without a peep, then quietly took himself off to a party, after lending us his lighter.

With the aid of a compass, we put the candles at north, south, east and west of the house. All the while getting residual wafts of the Vibe such as “Hmmm I think there was a lot of bitchy conversations in here.” Mine or hers I wondered “A lot of anxiety in this room,” and at one point “Oooh! Righteous. So righteous.” And then she turned to me in amazement. “Such a sense of entitlement. It’s so ‘mine!’ ‘All mine!’”

Then we began in earnest. Up the back, Merryl on bells with a flaming stick of sage and Boo in the front on Tibetan cymbals and trying not to hoot with enjoyment. She stood at the front gate waving the sage, and in a loud, declamatory voice (that the whole street would have enjoyed) invited the gods, goddesses etc to help us out, and invited good things in the door. Like laughter, conversation, nice food, mutual respect, communication, light, and all the sorts of things that make up a household. I had to stop myself from interjecting with things like: ‘and flush the bloody loo!’ and ‘take the bins out!!’

Ho for purification! We than stepped around each room in a clockwise direction, me bashing the cymbals to ‘break up the energy’, and her following with tinkling bells and sage, then for good measure splashing about the magical potion. I confess I got a bit carried away and busted the strap on her cymbals, which was embarrassing. Being full of tricks myself, I produced my own little Gujarati cymbals, until now unused.

In the living room we did our thing, but Merryl reckoned things were NQR. She picked up on a lot of bad stuff and said that things were very low down, soggy and stagnant in there. She instructed a few bad vibes near the couch to go away and never come back. I wondered if perhaps something was lurking in the fireplace. Aha! I was right. Apparently there is all sorts of weird shit hiding up there, with dull energy fugging up the room. There is a tall, guardian presence there, sort of like an angel with wings, who has become a bit weighed down and heavy over the years. A protective spirit!

What is that, laughter I hear? Do any of you have a ‘tall, angel-like sentinel’ living up your chimney and guarding your house? I think not.

Merryl also pointed out that house was quite damp. (true enough) But that something with a high water table showed far too much Yin, or water energy. Too many sheilas!! Goddammit she had a point. She pointed out that even though I was quite a Yang female myself, that the Yang had to be redressed in the house. Well thankfully I have a Man About the House, eh.

We had cleared out all the clutter in the house, and it was time seal up the spell and bring in the light. We lit candles and Merryl prayed in every room. My new housemate had put in a special request for the gods and goddesses etc to ‘invite the laydees’ into his room, so we obliged. I now have a giant invisible pyramid over and under my house protecting the property! A big vat of magical potion! And a guardian, with a sparkling flue!

Would you believe I seemed to unwind a little more after she had gone. It was mucho fun. And the house did seem much lighter! Even if it’s just to make me feel better, it’s done the trick.

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4 thoughts on “The Exorcist

  1. See! I knew you just had to smudge yourself silly and you’d be right!=>I’m glad you and your sentinel are feeling better. (Lucky duck; wish *I* had a sentinel!) *grumble grumble*I think similarly – if something feels like it helps than that’s good enough! I think just making your Intentions clear can help an awful lot. Well done… happy happy, joy joy!

  2. Cheers m’dear! Apparently you should get a house purification every time you move anyway. She also mentioned something about the solstice, which is imminent!

  3. BBBJ,Shortly after we were married, Simon and I noticed blood dripping off the ceiling of the duplex where we lived. Both of us could smell it. We both had PTSD (for different reasons, but both involved the smell of fresh blood).We did not call an exorcist. We did not purify the house. We did not sage smudge. We just got the hell out of there very quickly.We later found out that we weren’t the only people to encounter strange things there.I personally don’t believe in such things, butI wonder if a prophylactic purification would have helped.(What, no word verification?! Oh, joy!)

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