Fun with dentistry

I’ve been avoiding the chair for well over 7 years now, for reasons as various as lack of a car, lack of funds, dislike of the family dentist, Singaporean customer service, the World Trade Centre attacks and my chicken-heartedness in general.

Yesterday after girding my loins I found to my extreme displeasure the dentist had a spot today. Expecting some wee hole in the wall I gaped at this behemoth in Bourke St, all floor to ceiling pictures of laughing couples with American teeth, leather pouffes and free Internet access.

I was checked out by bouncy Stefan, who treated me to an array of modern dental technology. He had a tiny camera set into the dentist’s mirror (giving me a gruesome image of the back of my teeth), a computer screen above my head so I could see what was going on, x-rays from all angles (including one that rotated around my head) and a hilarious bedside manner.

“Give me your card!” he said. “I’m leaving here in two weeks, but I’ll still be in the city. It’s a beautiful practice, but I can’t work here any more because they’ve got shit for brains!”

Right-o then!

Apparently I’ve been wearing the enamel off my teeth from enthusiastic brushing – the hallmark of a dentist-avoider. He suggested possible plastic covers in the future, that would in no way make me look like Miss Universe. Then he looked at my fangs from all angles, gave them a cut & polish and pronounced me free to go.

Seven years worrying for that! This bloke is so funny I’d see him every week! And this is the best bit – during his entertaining raving he mentioned something about a special deal. I looked forward to a $10 discount and a sugar-free lolly.

At reception they shoved over what looked like a bill for $975. Clutching the desk as the room swam in front of me, they pointed out that it was a quote only, for the aforementioned plastic thingos. Then they gave me the bill for the checkup, $320, which they had reduced to zero at the bottom.

All that entertainment, whiz-bang technology and amusement cost me nothing, zip! Was he a raving lunatic? WAS IT LASHINGS OF THE OLE BOO CHARM?

Then I went and spent a whole lot of money on books, so everyone was happy.

7 thoughts on “Fun with dentistry

  1. BBBJ,Ah, shit, you found me out!Mai, the Mighty Warrior, Mai the Intrepid, Mai the Fearless, Mai who faced the torturers in Punjab without flinching (well, maybe a little flinch), Mai who faced a murdering mob in Delhi – She is terrified of dentists. Well, not of dentists exactly, but of dental implements.As a consequence of terror – along with a lack of funds – her teeth look less Canadian/American and more – el yucko supremo – English. And their uysefulness for chewing is strictly limited.What to do, what to do?jsaasf bmmzpc

  2. I went to a dentist like that once.I knew I was in trouble when I saw the surgery festooned with aquariums.$400 for a checkup (about 8 years ago)

  3. Oh please, tell me of your free dentist. It seems to me the ultimate indignity to be forced to PAY to be tortured by a dentist. I haven’t been in approx as long as you.I *had* a really nice dentist called Brendan, but he left the practice he was working at, and I can’t find him anywhere else. Plus even though Brendan was v understanding of my total gut-wrenching fear of dentistry, I still got utterly upset each time and had to sit down outside and have a good cry before summoning a taxi to take me home.Gah. Anyway, if it was free, maybe I’d consider a checkup. Although no xrays, thanks very much.

  4. EB: ah books. Such a wondrous weekend I had reading them all in bed too!Mai: oho – you may find there have been a few advencements in dental technology in the intervening years. I found to my delight they no longer got me to bite down on a clove, or remove teeth with a hammer, or got an army of heavily-muscled men to hold me down. And no chloroform either!!Perhaps you could do as my mum does and bat your eyelashes for some nitrous oxide? Surely there must be a happy medium between north American and UK teeth? I think there is an old Spike Milligan poem on English teeth I may have to pull out!!Simon: gold. It is surely a bad sign when the tropical fish come out. This one even had magazines too! The latest I mean!!Anon member of my family:Dr Hill is in Doncaster. I neither know nor care where Doncaster is.Dr Hill is obsessed with the medical ailments/achievements of my famille.Dr Hill has no interest in people with no connections to the medical realm, however will prate extensively about the wonders of such family members regardless. This shits me.Those giant laminated pics of his many kids are creepy.KillerR and Bek: hmm perhaps I have said too much! I doubt that my special offer was anything advertised or legit! If however you wander down to the corner of Bourke and Elizabeth and gaze upwards past the Kathmandu, all will become clear. I say make enquiries first!!

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