Ding! Dong!

The house is now free of tasteless artwork, week-old porridge, little reminders about ‘upholding your integrity,’ sex toys, mannish women who use my toothbrush, Landmark phonecalls at 6:45am and the pervasive fug of drama and insanity.

The housemate has gone.

Deep deep deep breath.

Before she did however, she went completely round the bend. I was accused of ‘wanting to kill her cat’. I was screamed at, and called a bully, a child, a moron and a loony. She then took the cat out of the house. After this, she reported me to the police for ‘threatening her’. More nasty phonecalls at work. After a few days of this, I returned to find the house empty of yuk furniture, full of boxes and a very polite note asking for the return of the bond.

She left an Oscar-winning speech of farewell on my phone.

Then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

It was quite an episode. I am astonished at how badly the stress affected me. Because I’ve had far more stressful things happen to me in the past, and dealt with them more calmly. I once had a girl smash into my car then take me to court. I’ve been mobbed in West Africa, ripped off and pushed around. I survived malaria over there! On my own! (why are all my worst stories from there?) When I came home from Singapore I became depressed and felt suicidal! For a whole year!!

But having not one but two fiendish fuckwits in my house really took the cake. Was it that they were members of a brainwashing cult? The complete refusal to acknowledge the facts in front of them? The constant lies and manipulation? The not knowing what insanity was going to appear next?

Whatever it was, I kept waking up at 2am, 4am then 6am. I started screening my calls. I had to put my glasses on in the morning for my usual blind stagger to the bathroom, just so I could watch my back. I ground my teeth so badly I imagined one day I’d bite down and they’d disintegrate into powder in my mouth. I felt teary for ages. And worst of all, my guts were in turmoil and I couldn’t eat properly for weeks.

Gone, I tells ya. The new housie is moving in this arvo.

Excuse me while I go disinfect the house and call the exorcist.

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12 thoughts on “Ding! Dong!

  1. BBBJ,Oh, boy, I get to be the first to say: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You did it!!! You survived. You know that I don’t indulge, but I would suggest a party with lots of whatever you like – Stoly, maybe or possibly some extra-legal substances – and thoroughly enjoy yourself.I read somewhere once, I think it was about the Nixon government back in the 60s, that one sure way of driving a person – or a country – to insanity is to lie systematically, so the lie-ee can never get a handle on reality. Slippery stuff, this reality.Being a loony isn’t bad; it’s almost on par with the American dollar now.OK, be honest, did you swish their toothbrushes in the toilet, as I suggested?anxjwfjw

  2. Congratulations on your freedomCommiserations on your angst.re “astonished at how badly the stress affected me”I understand totally.I am housesitting where a neighbour snuck up on me in the 3-acre back garden and frightened the hell out of me when he complained about the (only slightly) leaf-blocked drain Beyond the fenced abutment of this property with his access road.Bear in mind we are on top of Mt.Dandenong buried in 50 meter high trees.He stood over me while I cleaned it on my knees, even after I said I was just a house-sitter.Anyhow, point is, I was sick with fright for the rest of the day, so I know how bad you felt after the housemate attack.I hope your new sharers are not cult people.You really cannot find out enough about people before committing.My Merton Hall-educated friend married a millionaire in the US after a partnership of 10 years (the pre-nup took almost all that time) and after she said I Do – he started chewing tobacco ! Who knew?GOOD LUCK.

  3. Good God! That all sounds rather revolting. What a thoroughly distasteful person. Good riddance and all that!This obviously was the stress you mentioned earlier. You would have been inhuman and made of steel for this not to stress you. I think it would have made me insane! I wish you good fortune with your new housemate. Now go and splash bucketloads of rosewater on the walls and smudge yourself silly (I hope I’m not the only one who knows about burning smudge sticks… actually, burn whatever herbs you think will help…)!

  4. Oho! Thank you one & all. I got quite trashed on 3 drinks this Fri and fell over in a stupor. A friend rang me from the States on Fri and I have absolutely no recollection of what she said!!Mai: This story will make you laugh your arse off – I keenly considered the toothbrush trick. My Diva Cup needed a good scrub – I stood there poised with one of their toothbrushes in one hand, and the Diva in the other – then I put them down!! As a-spiritual as I am, I’m a stong believer in karma, sadly. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it!!Bek: oh my yes, all the texts i received afterwards said the same thing!!Bwca: eeek eeeek. There are some crazies out there, non? And chewing tobacco – classic!! Who would even know where to buy it??EB: thank you!! I nearly killed myself cleaning the entire house, changing bedrooms and rejoicing generally. The exorcist is coming this week with I presume smudge sticks, ju ju and good vibes…Ta Simon & Chyloe!! – nothing wrong with mannish women, only those that use my toothbrush as far as I can see… And don’t get me started on womenish men…NailPblues: to jist of it was bright and friendly…until she started babbling about all the stuff she’d left behind. Then she said ‘thanks for everyhthing and if I see you in the street I’ll say HI!!’ MENTAL SO MENTAL. I was completely convulsed when I picked up the message on the train.!!

  5. BBBJ,be as a-spiritual as you like; karma is not really a spritual thing at all. It’s a natural law, akin to gravity, inertia and the like.But I have discovered there are a few things in life worth borrowing from the karma bank for, in spite of the exorbitant interest rates…and the collection tactics.Womanish men. Anywhere but in my bed, where they have no interest in being anyway, I can be tolerant. I suppose.scocogjk

  6. BBBJ,OK, now that I know what a Diva cup is, I can laugh and puke at the same time. Some things are worth the karmic price.Aren’t you already sorry you passed this opportunity up?

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