The house is now free of tasteless artwork, week-old porridge, little reminders about ‘upholding your integrity,’ sex toys, mannish women who use my toothbrush, Landmark phonecalls at 6:45am and the pervasive fug of drama and insanity.
The housemate has gone.
Deep deep deep breath.
Before she did however, she went completely round the bend. I was accused of ‘wanting to kill her cat’. I was screamed at, and called a bully, a child, a moron and a loony. She then took the cat out of the house. After this, she reported me to the police for ‘threatening her’. More nasty phonecalls at work. After a few days of this, I returned to find the house empty of yuk furniture, full of boxes and a very polite note asking for the return of the bond.
She left an Oscar-winning speech of farewell on my phone.
Then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
It was quite an episode. I am astonished at how badly the stress affected me. Because I’ve had far more stressful things happen to me in the past, and dealt with them more calmly. I once had a girl smash into my car then take me to court. I’ve been mobbed in West Africa, ripped off and pushed around. I survived malaria over there! On my own! (why are all my worst stories from there?) When I came home from Singapore I became depressed and felt suicidal! For a whole year!!
But having not one but two fiendish fuckwits in my house really took the cake. Was it that they were members of a brainwashing cult? The complete refusal to acknowledge the facts in front of them? The constant lies and manipulation? The not knowing what insanity was going to appear next?
Whatever it was, I kept waking up at 2am, 4am then 6am. I started screening my calls. I had to put my glasses on in the morning for my usual blind stagger to the bathroom, just so I could watch my back. I ground my teeth so badly I imagined one day I’d bite down and they’d disintegrate into powder in my mouth. I felt teary for ages. And worst of all, my guts were in turmoil and I couldn’t eat properly for weeks.
Gone, I tells ya. The new housie is moving in this arvo.
Excuse me while I go disinfect the house and call the exorcist.