The it’s all gone pear-shaped pop quiz

1. There is no toaster in the house, because your housemate doesn’t eat bread. You, however, eat it about three times a week. Do you:

a) Make pointed comments for about 6 months saying ‘oh we should really get a toaster some time’
b) Make the above comment, as well as use the griller, leaving bits of food and melted cheese on it.
c) Buy a toaster

2. Your housemate washes all the towels, teatowels and other household flotsam every week. She sometimes even asks if you want her to wash any sheets. She leaves them out to dry, brings them in, folds them and repeats. Do you:

a) Think that it’s only fair you occasionally bring the towels in and fold them?
b) Let the towels get wet in the rain?
c) Completely ignore the entire process, and act as though it’s not happening?

3. Your housemate uses her own coffee plunger every single morning. Six months after living together, you randomly decide to start using it. Once you’ve used it, do you:

a) Fill it up with all sorts of foul-smelling teas, grit and hot chocolate and leave it around the house for your housemate to find and clean?
b) Clean it after you’ve used it?

4. You use your housemate’s tinned tomatoes and pasta, about once a month when you are caught short. Do you:

a) Replace them the next day, or on your next shop?
b) Replace them in a month?
c) Never replace them?

5. Emptying the rubbish bins, putting them out once a week and bringing them back in again is:

a) What you do as an adult human being
b) Huh? Bins? What? Can you rephrase the question please.

6. After having two blown light globes for months, the roof builders leave a giant ladder in the backyard and your housemate seizes the opportunity to change some lightglobes. She staggers in with it, and proceeds to remove both light shades and change both light globes. Do you:

a) Sit as though stunned in front of the telly?
b) Comment that it’s good, as she’ll no longer grope around in the dark on the way to the loo?
c) Offer to lend a hand/hold something?

7A. You have a fondness for battery-operated appliances, equipment and harnesses in general. Where do you keep these?

a) On the side of the bath where your guests can see and admire your sexual adventureousness?
b) On the side of the bath, and your pillow?
c) In a drawer in your room?

7B. Where is the best place to keep the bumper edition of the ‘Illustrated Gay and Lesbian Encyclopaedia’ (hard cover)?

a) In your room
b) In the kitchen
c) In the centre of the hallway, so your housemate and her father step over it one evening

8. For a bonus point, translate the following Landmark phrases into English:

‘We’ll action that’
‘I can’t context this’
‘Let’s create Saturday’

9. Your girlfriend of three months uses your housemate’s hair products; makes her wait in line to use the shower; comes around 5-6 nights a week (usually when your housemate is trying to sleep not unreasonably at midnight); calls the cat ‘Toby’, when clearly ‘Tabby’ is a shortened form of Tabasco; comes round when you’re not home, fixes dinner and falls asleep on the couch; deposits all her furniture around the house as though she pays rent; and is regularly seen in tears or having emotional crises generally. Do you:

a) Think this is totally normal behaviour?
b) Huh? What?
c) Acknowledge it is the straw that broke the camel’s back, and grounds for swift removal from the premises?

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17 thoughts on “The it’s all gone pear-shaped pop quiz

  1. I was on your side right up until the point when you complained about incorrectly addressing the cat. At that point I decided you must be the problem, bloody cat owners.

  2. Boo, it’s really unhealthy to let all these feelings about your housemate fester inside you. Why not try letting them out?Does she, perchance, read your blog/know you have a blog?

  3. These feelings have festered nowhere!! She knows them all! We have spoken, on several occasions!! She has broken the probationary period!! And when I asked her to leave, she thought that was open to interpretation!!! Then suggested further negotiations!!And what is ‘not letting them out’ if not WRITING ABOUT IT????Gah, pah. She does not know I have a blog, and if she happened to come across this I couldn’t give a hoot. There’s nothing in here that amounts to libel BECAUSE IT’S ALL TRUE. IT HAPPENED.

  4. Of those you have interviewed, are there any gangsters, loan sharks, terrorists, etc., who owe you a favour?Just a thought.

  5. Sorry, dudes. I was violently pissed off about this last week. Last night things went excessively pear-shaped. It is all quite horrible.

  6. Please go on. PLEASE!!?? I am waiting with baited breath. Shall I send over my five remaining brothers, complete with swords and turbans?

  7. 1-c; 2-a; 3-c(none of the above); 4-a; 5-a; 6-c; 7A-c(ahem); 7B-b(good conversation starter, no?); 8- “i’m a twat”; 9- (i don’t understand this question but i’ll gamble on my bonus!)Ouh! Ouh! Did i get it, Miss Boo? Do i get a one way ticket to Oz and get to live with you? (Shit. Forgot ’bout the cat…) Do i get to see you kick her arse then? Or Miss Mai’s brothers doing it?

  8. O Boo, i’m not laughing anymore after reading the Comments. Hope all is getting better. Thinking of you. Tanya xxPS ‘Your’ blog, write whatever the fuck you want…..and vent girl as you are!!!Didn’t realise blog owners were so vulnerable to such an onslaught of a social/moral Code of Conduct!!!???? Jeez

  9. Oh goodness, I don’t read your blog for a couple of days… then… this! All this!I think you need a new cat – we happen to have a spare. He’s exceedingly cute.

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