Pets: They Make Great Pets

I do love the little furry beasties. Wee Tabasco grows in perfection every day, and our new routine revolves around my night-time read being interrupted by the following:

1. Her perched atop my teetering pile of books and staring down at me imperiously
2. Her tapdancing on said pile while they slip and skid out from under her
3. Then, after being chastened, jumping back onto remaining books and further scattering alarm clock, earplugs and pens
4. And by way of apology, her daintily sniffing the edge of my lamp until it falls on my head with a loud ‘thunk’

As you can see, she is adorable but needs a Firm Hand. And she gets that Firm Hand from me in abundance, including a good squirt with the ‘what’s this’, the occasional roar, and sometimes even a shake of the scruff.

Some people find this a tad appalling, as if cats don’t need training at all. I think that if she lives in my space, it’s only fair that she abides by the rules. I am almost entirely looking after the puss at the moment, from feeding, to cleaning up her shite and giving her a stroke. Why bother getting a pet in the first place?

I wonder why some people can be so utterly stupid about their pets. I openly admit that I’m quite stupid about the black angel (with love!) but that would never extend for far as to let her lick my face, use my dishes, clamber all over the kitchen bench or stick her snout in the bin. Do people not realise they lick their arseholes with those rough little tongues?

I had a good conversation with Mr Boyle the other day on the same topic. He’s housesitting at the moment, and with the territory comes two huge Labradors, which he thinks are great. “Oh they’re awesome dogs, they’re funny,” he barked. “But I wish that some people would just treat their dogs like fuckn’ dogs, you know?”

He then told me how they jump up on the couch so it’s always covered in dog hair. They lick all the dishes and romp around gaily without a care in the world. His whole life is infused with essence of dog. I would imagine that any visitors to the house become either covered in hair or smothered with affection and dog tongues, without much say in the matter.

Most people don’t understand how grotty pets are. They dig up dead things, and eat their own vomit. Dogs don’t really wash themselves, they need someone to do it for them. If you spend too much time in bed with a cat (and you sleep in the nude), you can get ringworm. However, Mr Boyle’s girlfriend doesn’t quite understand how horrible this is. I sent him away with a flea in his ear about Toxoplasmosis, which is rare, but can potentially affect women who may want to get up duff (I neglected to say it was cats, not dogs who can transmit it but hey ho). He was somewhat cheered by my portents, and promised to pass it on.

I don’t even know where this rant is headed any more. You’re reading the blog of a woman who once found a fresh dog turd right in the centre of her bed. And occasionally skids on bits of cat litter in the kitchen. What am I trying to say? Pets are pets, and humans are humans. Let’s keep it that way.

7 thoughts on “Pets: They Make Great Pets

  1. Animals are animals. People are people.Pet owners are… somewhere in between!I am generalising here, of course, for (minimal) comic effect.People are often a bit stupid about their pets, and expect you to go along with it, and be stupid too, for example laughing off the blood pouring from your stump as their dog runs around the park shaking and chasing what is left of your hand.Or laughing as a (huge) labrador jumps excitedly around a four-year-old child as they howl in misery.It is always nice to meet a considerate pet owner, however!!I occasionally cat sit for a cat called Mr Bobs; we have a complex set of Rules. We have little “focus sessions” where I repeat the Rules in a loud, clear voice. He then farts, yawns, and goes out and kills birds.I will tame you yet, Bobsy!

  2. Boo, in a short period of time, you have become one of my favourite bloggers.I can tell a really disgusting pet story. I had a roommate – about the only one I ever had, actually – who thought toilet paper unnecessary because her German shepherd performed that function, and there’s more, but isn’t that quite enough? Now don’t you prefer I tease about Mr. Eye-Candy Turbanator?Have I yet suggested my parrot’s blog to you? SQUAWKING, She only has a couple entries, but we all have to start somewhere, eh?Mai, ‘Spawn of Satan’ quoth Fr. Leblanc

  3. Amen, sistah!Cats are my sworn ennemies. (I believe this to be acceptable although writing it down just now, i’ve realised that i have put myself on their same level.) I don’t care. Cats are the devil. They should only be allowed in the house as comic relief by running into windows, being given a ‘Firm Hand’ (mouahahahAHAHAHA!…) or called ‘Bobsy’ & lessoned by Mister Chris (…ahahahahahah – as infinitum)

  4. Gosh I am happy to hear I’m not the only psycho pet trainer out there.Chris:what about when their personality/appearance takes on that of their pet (and vice versa)? Do you not find that creeeepy?Mai: you are a treasure! Ta! Your parrot has its own blog? CLASSIC. I could not find it however! I shall search!I thought my ‘dog turd on the bed’ story (and I have a ‘dog turds on the living room carpet’ and ‘composting turds under the bathroom window’ story as well) took the cake. But I think your ‘German Sheperd loo paper’ one might actually win the all-time grossest pet tale awards. Well done!!VV: Aw, but if you can see how cute ickle Tabasco is…..but I understand – not everyone is wild about pets, and the owners just have to cope. Mr Boyle just updated me – he got in trouble from the dog owner for feeding the Labradors slightly off chicken!! I reiterate: THEY EAT THEIR OWN SHIT!!

  5. Being a one-handed typer/writer, I make mistakes.It’s http//, I left out a ‘u.’ I guess I thought you’d know how to spell ‘parrot’ in Kikuyu.I didn’t tell you the other things she used Shep for. Good thing. Your housemate might read it and get ideas…Why do I always have to enter these silly letters TWICE?

  6. Ohh, I forgot a goodie – but this didn’t happen to me. One housemate of a friend used to keep her cat’s litter tray in her bedroom. She never emptied it – she’d just let my friend’s dog into her room to, er, do the cleaning so to speak.Nothing like the aroma of fresh cat shite in the morning!!

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