1. Her perched atop my teetering pile of books and staring down at me imperiously
2. Her tapdancing on said pile while they slip and skid out from under her
3. Then, after being chastened, jumping back onto remaining books and further scattering alarm clock, earplugs and pens
4. And by way of apology, her daintily sniffing the edge of my lamp until it falls on my head with a loud ‘thunk’
As you can see, she is adorable but needs a Firm Hand. And she gets that Firm Hand from me in abundance, including a good squirt with the ‘what’s this’, the occasional roar, and sometimes even a shake of the scruff.
Some people find this a tad appalling, as if cats don’t need training at all. I think that if she lives in my space, it’s only fair that she abides by the rules. I am almost entirely looking after the puss at the moment, from feeding, to cleaning up her shite and giving her a stroke. Why bother getting a pet in the first place?
I wonder why some people can be so utterly stupid about their pets. I openly admit that I’m quite stupid about the black angel (with love!) but that would never extend for far as to let her lick my face, use my dishes, clamber all over the kitchen bench or stick her snout in the bin. Do people not realise they lick their arseholes with those rough little tongues?
I had a good conversation with Mr Boyle the other day on the same topic. He’s housesitting at the moment, and with the territory comes two huge Labradors, which he thinks are great. “Oh they’re awesome dogs, they’re funny,” he barked. “But I wish that some people would just treat their dogs like fuckn’ dogs, you know?”
He then told me how they jump up on the couch so it’s always covered in dog hair. They lick all the dishes and romp around gaily without a care in the world. His whole life is infused with essence of dog. I would imagine that any visitors to the house become either covered in hair or smothered with affection and dog tongues, without much say in the matter.
Most people don’t understand how grotty pets are. They dig up dead things, and eat their own vomit. Dogs don’t really wash themselves, they need someone to do it for them. If you spend too much time in bed with a cat (and you sleep in the nude), you can get ringworm. However, Mr Boyle’s girlfriend doesn’t quite understand how horrible this is. I sent him away with a flea in his ear about Toxoplasmosis, which is rare, but can potentially affect women who may want to get up duff (I neglected to say it was cats, not dogs who can transmit it but hey ho). He was somewhat cheered by my portents, and promised to pass it on.
I don’t even know where this rant is headed any more. You’re reading the blog of a woman who once found a fresh dog turd right in the centre of her bed. And occasionally skids on bits of cat litter in the kitchen. What am I trying to say? Pets are pets, and humans are humans. Let’s keep it that way.