Job Hunting

There are builders working on my roof today, a plasterer in the living room and a fit plumber in my bathroom who calls himself ‘Nick’, who is now one of the lucky and rare gents of this world to see me first thing in the morning, swearing, crusty, squinting sans glasses, avec dirty green dressing gown et aussi bright orange ‘I climbed the Great Wall of China’ t-shirt. He may put that image in the wank bank and cherish it forever.

I am on the cusp of having a giant hissy fit, what with all the hammering, clawing, sanding, drilling and hundreds and thousands of tiny bits of plaster falling in my hair and into my keyboard (which is just about the worst thing any human being can do to me). DO THEY NOT KNOW I HAVE A DEADLINE ON THURSDAY. Gnnnn

Anyway, I have to let out my frustration on something, so today’s target is advertisers on Seek. Despite the fact that I have work coming out of my arse at the moment (ravishing in the morning and modest and ladylike), I still like to check out the job boards occasionally. I have even got some work out of hassling some of the legitimate employers, despite the fact that they were foolish enough not to give me an interview. I tells ya, do not discount it jobseekers.

I was unemployed for over a year when I came home from Singers. I have also been unemployed here and there at several stages in my life, and I cannot tell you how many employers do not even respond to applications. So ads like the one below really get my dander up:

EXPERIENCED JOURNALIST REQUIRED

-Skilled Headline Writer
-Must know Quark intimately

-Must be experienced journalist

-Skilled Headline Writer
-Must know Quark intimately

-Be acquainted with Photoshop

-Have keyboard speed of 80+ wpm
-Be super proficient with Apple platform

-6am Start / 4-6 hours per day PLUS short Saturday shift

-Start: ASAP

Ok then. Apart from the fact that this advertiser posts this exact job at least once a month maybe more (I will not say their name, but let’s just say it rhymes with ‘Fizz Poos’ and is located in Prahran), let me get this straight.

The blessed applicant must be highly experienced, with a speciality in headline writing. We can presume that they have some sort of journalism or media degree (minimum 3 years study), and, are talented to boot. In addition to that, they must know Quark ‘intimately’. So not only can they write, but they are a graphic design whiz. They will be laying out this publication as well. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL FOLKS. They are ‘acquainted with Photoshop’. So despite the fact that even the people who designed this complex program will never know it completely, this talented journalist, with a penchant for layout, must know their way around one of the most complicated programs invented.

Oh, I’m not done yet. They must also know Apple in a ‘super proficient’ manner. So let’s say they have a graphic design/multimedia degree as well. Another 1-3 years study, minimum. Oh! And they type! Very fast, with super-human fingers!! As fast as a professional secretary. So they will be doing some data entry perhaps. Or writing letters and doing all the publisher’s dirty work for him/her/it.

The icing on the cake? It’s a 6am start. And only 4-6 hours per day, which is just SO convenient, don’t you think? And a Saturday shift as well! Luckily the applicant is a seasoned professional, because this multi-skilled, multi-BULLSHIT job is the fastest route to the Walkley awards I can think of. Start time? ASAP. Someone had to leave in a hurry methinks. They were clearly late for their meeting with the Pulitzer Prize committee. Or deep in negotiations with the group Editors of Penguin.

GO. GET. FUCKED. YOU. SCUMBAGS.

I feel a little bit better now, thank you.

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7 thoughts on “Job Hunting

  1. I’m willing to bet that this particular job also carries an hourly rate of $19 and comes with no sick leave, holiday time or health insurance for the inevitable back cramps, RSI and general body shutdown that comes from sitting in front of a computer for 4-6 hours a day squinting and jerking slightly to get the photoshop document *perfect*. Oh, and 4-6 hours is clearly code for “we’ll pay you for this but if you don’t get your work finished in this time we’ll expect you to work over”.Not that I’ve done a job like that or anything…

  2. YES! Or it’s 4-6 hours…or more…or less…. or oh can you come in to work on a Sunday because 3 of our juniors have just quit, unexpectedly. And their website is super-dodgy as well. Grr.

  3. Welcome to the wonderful world of Workchoices, ladies.I actually thought that you’d made that ad up out of your ever-fertile brain, Boo. I cannot believe they’re for real.

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