People sometimes wonder why I am occasionally high-strung, and have an overly visual imagination. I am compiling a list of the complete hooey my parents fed me as a child – which is but a tip of the iceberg:
-That mouth ulcers happen when you tell lies
-That the Viet Cong lived behind the bamboo screen in Aunty Schnall’s loo
-That Darth Vader was a real man, and when he took his helmet off in Return of the Jedi, it was the first time he’d done it.
-That children with pierced ears/low foreheads/who say ‘haitch’ are Common
-That per-GO-la is pronounced ‘pergullah’
-That men in brown suits are never to be trusted
-That you should never sit on the aisle of a movie theatre, as a mad Hungarian bloke went crazy after WWII and raced down the aisle of a cinema with a hatchet, killing two people.
-That gesso is also called rabbit glue, and is made from mashing up whole rabbits. For glue, rabbit see also glue, horse – knackers
-That if you eat ‘cooking apples’, they will ‘shoot through like a chicken vindaloo’
-That discarded food and/or clothing will be sent to ‘the poor little boys and girls’
-That female AND male genitalia are always referred to as the ‘front bottom’
-That it is bad luck not to turn the shell over once you’ve eaten your boiled egg. See also: umbrella open inside, shoes on bed or table and telling someone your wish
-That you will be awarded good luck for a whole month if you say ‘white rabbits’ on the first day of the month. Should you say something else to anyone before this phrase is uttered, the luck will be declared void
Please feel free to write in and contribute to this ever-expanding list.